I've been doing a lot of searching lately. Digging real deep. To say that I've been searching only recently is a LIE. I have been for maybe 5 years now. I've been LOST AF. AFFFFF. Yep. But I mean, thats normal right? Well yes & no. I understand I've been lost- sure. How I've been dealing with it on the other hand. Not my strong suit. Not at all. You see that picture there of me? This picture started to make me cry. Because I realized that little girl right there- would be so unhappy to know where I was in my mind. I mean, geez. But personally- the only time I've ever grown is when things are hard, when shit gets shittier. And when we think we can't go any further. Thats when something goes POOF- you can do it. Yep, just like that- poof. A big cloud of smoke with confetti popping out of it. Lol. No no. Just kidding. No cloud, no confetti. I actually had the poof thing a couple times before this last time. But somehow this time is different. I'm not bsing anymore. I can't. I can't look at my face in that photo and be sad. I want to make the little girl version of me with the most natural goofy hair, proud. Fucking proud, dammit! Not sad. I'm so sick of my previous bull shit. LIKE THE BIGGEST BULL dude. I'm really good at BS. And that sucks.
SO what's different? Why the sudden change? What is going to change for me? What am I doing? 
All great questions. First and most importantly. I'm taking it day by day. Only focusing on today. I will no longer give myself anxiety for thinking so far in the future and worrying. Cause I'm pretty damn good at that too. And again, lame. 

Another huge huge huge thing for me. Guess what? I'm going to go see a therapist. Oh my gosh that is some crazy iSHHHHHH. Me? Me talking to someone else? Me talking about feelings?Girl you crazy.
Well not soon crazy. I'm really doing this. It's been a long time coming. I am as my chiropractor told me on Saturday "A Brick Wall". Yes, he said that to me. And that I am really locked up- everywhere. And it got me thinking. I am totally locked up in everything. Locked up in the fact that I get stiff and scared when a bee passes by me. When a loud noise happens. When I wish I could talk about something that makes me sad. When I want to cry and don't. My body has become a brick wall- because I am a wall. I've been completely closed off.  And that is just not working for me anymore. I can no longer be locked up. I want to open up. And feel feelings. So I called today - I made the appointment, I'm super proud of that. 

I also decided today to do a challenge- a vegan challenge. Well I'm actually going to be calling it #30daysCleanAF on instagram. If you'd like to follow that journey for me. I was talking to my boyfriend the other day about how I used to be so healthy. "Used to be". WTF? Why is it not still the case? What happened to me from then till now? And I've noticed how much both of us impact each other. I've totally not been a good role model for him on being healthy- in a relationship you really have to be better for each other. And because I haven't been doing that, I really feel a disconnect between us. All because of the disconnection I had with myself. The weird version of me that isn't healthy & doesn't care. That girl GONE. BYE. 

I'm gonna try and post daily what I'm eating and what new things I'm trying or things I always have that I love that maybe you don't know about? I'm going to use my voice. I'm going to speak up & UNLOCK. 

Thanks for listening :) 

:.POOF

Nope- not the musical. Even though -OH MAN- how I love that one song at the beginning. But thats about it. Not much of a fan of the rest of the show. (If you don't know the song I'm talking about- look it up. "I'm Still Hurting"... it's a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL song.) Agh, here we go. I always lose where I was going.
Lets get back on track. This blog is titled after the actual last 5 years. What a weird 5 years. Weird in the best way. 

As I'm approaching my 30th birthday in January- I've been thinking a lot. Where I should be? Why am I here.... Why am I not there. Etc. A LOT OF THAT. a whole lotta that.... Lets see. I'm writing in the blog place that I started about 5 years ago. And I haven't been writing in here that much. Haven't been doing much of anything to be honest. I've been stuck. I got comfortable being stuck. Comfortably stuck if you will. I've been doing the same thing- for about the last 5 years. I am not extremely happy or proud of how I've been stuck. But thats life. Sometimes you get stuck. Sometimes you wake up and get out of it before 5 years have passed. Sometimes it takes 5 years... sometimes people remain stuck. And so it goes. 
But I woke up today and realized I just cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep myself on repeat of the life I've been living. I realize the word discipline cannot be used to describe me. I realize when I look at myself in the mirror- I don't like the reflection. Cause right now... and for the last 5 years... I've not been the best version of myself. I allowed sadness to swallow me up and consume me. I allowed myself to only see negative and ignore positivity for the most part. I don't need a change. I NEED TO BE THE CHANGE. 

I can't tell you how many things I'd like to change about myself. Obviously there are a lot. I'm an artist, I like improving and I also am not very happy with repetitiveness. So what am I going to do?
I have no idea really. All I know is the cycle of my life that has been- is a has been. And is the past. And I am focused on the future. I am going to be my best self. I love how we can so easily be inspired by others. We don't realize the effect we can have on other people. So what I think is really amazing is when people put themselves out there- they are bold enough to just go for it. And maybe they are scared, but they do it anyway- so they might get the chance of connecting with someone else who is in the same position. 
I've been stuck for years. In this state of feeling like I don't deserve to be successful, I don't deserve to be in shape...have a great life. I have put myself down in so many ways. Cause it's easier to do that, then to actually get up and do something about it. Like I said before- going back to the word discipline. This will be a word that describes me. I will make it so.

I'm letting go of very old bad habits- and moving on to make new ones that I know are meant for me. I'm focusing on the positive. I'm focusing on the fact that the future IS bright. There are going to be clouds along the way, sure. But I'm moving forward and going to enjoy ALL OF IT. 

I hope you will too. Happy Holidays. 

So- this is some what of a continuation from my last post. 

It's May 2nd and I am ready. Ready to take on the challenge that I have previously set for myself. Even though it's going to be tough when I'm back home- thankfully I am vegetarian- so fried chicken isn't a choice! But still ... last time- me and my boyfriend really indulged :/ And that is just not going to be the case this time. I realized as I was thinking this same thought earlier- that I kept feeling a deprived feeling- or nervousness towards how will I implement my choices there. I have to be strong, yes. But I also can not view this as a diet. Because it's not really a restriction diet or anything like that. I'm genuinely trying to change the way I think around food. And need to understand the nutrition in something as opposed to taste- or trying to binge and ruin everything. Cause I know all the little people in my head are cheering on for that to happen :| . Not cool brain! We are the only thing that gets in our way. And I need to move! I'm sick of all the self sabotage I have done in the past. IN THE PAST. Yep.  I said the past- cause thats in the past and I'm moving on from there. Cause I would like to evolve. K thanks. 

So with that- I have decided that up until I do go out of town I am going to be a little bit more serious about what I am choosing not to eat. Like alcohol and carbs. I'm trying to slim down a bit. But I obviously want the greater outcome. And I need to plan for more than just two weeks. Cause this has got to be my lifestyle. After 30 days - I will add some things back in, like quinoa, oats and brown rice. But I have decided to nix gluten. I also am going to be working out and breaking a sweat daily for a minimum of 45minutes. Possibly an hour if I can handle. And that isn't crazy- that is actually what is recommended for us all. 

I cannot wait to be able to tell you my results after 30 days. I'd share some before photo right now- But I honestly don't want to. I barely like taking pictures anymore- sadly. And that in itself is enough of a reason to take a bright shiny photo of myself after 30 days. So I look forward to sharing with you THAT photo.

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So - I decided yesterday... Well- really, it's been a long time coming. - But I decided... that I am going to start my own cleanse. My own way. My own style. Just for me. I've done some research. Tried some things. And know what I know- So I am going to test it out. And for once in my life- follow through with it, without giving up. Cause Lord knows I give up at the drop of a hat! Or more so the sight of carbs. Ha. But this is different this time.  Times are a changing! Oh boy they are. I have had some realizations the past couple days. That healing needs to begin now. Bad habits need to be put to a stop. And positivity and a new life needs to be what is to come. Cause I've been living in a fog for about the past 3 years. Not really knowing where I'm going- and no real plans besides getting up the next morning. There has to be a greater purpose, and I need to believe in myself. Cause things are very possible for me- and for you. We just have to get our ducks in a row. And we all know what it takes for that to happen. 

So personally, for me. I'll be honest- my weight has always been something I've struggled with. I have been average body weight ever since high school. I guess it was the fact that I used to be very thin when I was a teenager- as most are- and ate what I want, etc. I don't even want to tell you how much soda I drank. But my blood was made out of mountain dew at one point! It just had to be ! I had never even tasted water by itself. I remember saying I thought it was gross. Water- gross? What the hell was wrong with me girl?! At least I know now right. Well besides being a skinny teenager- I was a model and in pageants constantly. I remember having a beautiful ball gown once that was a size 2- which now would be a size zero. Cause they didnt even have that size then. Right now- and for the past ten years I'm sure, I thought it was impossible to be smaller than I am currently. And whats funny is the only change I've made since then is I keep getting bigger. Because I continue to sabotage myself. I continue to put myself down and keep my mind in a place where I am comfortable with how I look. Up until I have to have a photo taken- and then I don't want to be apart of that. thats not cool. Thats not a fun life. I honestly can't pin point what it was that changed with me. It might be the fact i've been in a long term relationship for more than 5 years and we've gotten really comfortable with each other. I know thats a big factor. I know he loves me for who I am now. But that doesn't mean I need to not love myself enough to keep me in shape and look the way I personally always have wanted to. 

The issue with me is food. I love it. And I also used to be a meat eater- then transitioned to pescetarian. And then vegan and then back and forth to pescetarian for the past 4 years. I've also been brain washed to think I need protein at every meal. This is hard for me because I am not supposed to have a lot of soy. I mean none of us should really. Not everyday. And I've been on that processed food road for way too long. I've also been enjoying red wine nightly after work which has taken it's toll. Finally I have woken up

Let me start off by saying that- the title of this song.... Is my FAVORITE song by Sara Bareilles. You guys just don't understand how much I love her! Oh my oh my. This song hit me so hard when I first heard it- I couldn't stop listening to it and learning it- so that I could create a cover of it for my youtube. If you haven't already checked out that video- I'd love for you to! <3 >> My Video Cover << But I also urge you to check out the original, cause obviously- it's way better/amazing. 

Anywho. in the video- you'll see that I don't show my face- just my mad piano skillz, son. (yeah right, jk. I am not the best at piano- learning still!) But for real though- This is disappointing to say. I have basically been avoiding the camera for a while now. Outside of auditions- hellooooo I'm an actor. Makes no sense. I have auditions all the time- and have not been feeling confident with my looks. I started getting this weird rash on my face. It's very small. But come on - you know its the little things that bother us most. I also have been getting a ton of grey hair... I've always had it- but it's starting to show itself more and more. And in just one area.... These things have been putting a damper on my day. No I don't die my hair or have any interest in it... And masking a problem doesn't solve anything. Putting make up over my red rash on my eyes- won't help anything. It's just avoiding the problem. Like come on? I hate that I've been dodging the real issues. Let me be honest- for the past few years- I have not been the healthiest. It's been a bit of a hard few years also. But I allowed that to happen.

I have previously been avoiding all the things that matter to me. It's funny- I had this realization yesterday. I actually have been doing the opposite of what I say I usually stand for. I have been acting more afraid of it- than wanting it. It being anything that matters to me. I've been running the opposite way. Running away from the things I want. Instead, being comfortably lazy. I said at the beginning of this year- I want to be fearless. I don't want fear to run my life anymore. Cause I have let it. 

So although I am 2 months late.... I am going to go over what my plans are for this year. My goals. 
And I'd love for you to share your plans/goals/intentions for this year are as well.

-Starting from the most important thing- love my self more. Cause I know if I'm being honest with myself, I have not been. And that has been effecting all areas of my life. I need to take care of myself more. And I know what that means for me. There are no more excuses. There are no more 'goal dates'. It just has to be now. I can't keep focusing on the negative. And digging myself a hole. I am climbing out of it right now. And just focusing on that light.  That positive light. 

-Fuel myself with all the fresh vegetables & fruits. Leaving out the processed foods, and excess oils. -I just recently went vegan starting Feb 1st. I had a slip up- but was a total accident, not intentional. Apparently there is fish in siracha sauce. BLEH! . Oh well. Moving on! I always feel much better when I eat this way. Green smoothies, green juices, salads, roasted veggies for dinner- etc. It's really the best. 

-Workout . Oh my goodness. Just the word it self. I am the worst with this. I first of all, hate it. So that doesn't help. But I do understand I get less stressed when I have worked out. I have really bad anxiety. Everything makes me nervous. Including auditions. Which is very important to not be nervous at- so things need to change. My perspective about working out has been very bad. I thought of it as a chore. And thats not what the outlook needs to be. And it def. does not need to be about looking better for my image either- cause personally, that isn't enough for me. I've always not been the weight I've wanted to be. Maybe for a good 12 years or so. I've always wanted to be a certain size- and I've come to realize that maybe isn't for me. WHO knows though. I've honestly never been the healthiest/ or balanced. SO maybe one day when I get that all together. My body will go to where it needs to be ... I'm hopeful. For now- I need to love the one I have. And that has to be good enough. Cause the best thing is.. I woke up today. I have legs that allow me to walk., I have a voice.... aghhhh so many things. Very grateful. Enjoy your day ya'll! 

More positivty to come <3