Self Love...

I have been contemplating whether or not to write about this or not. But I decided to shed my light on it. Cause I'm done with reading different versions of this, and not having my input out there. I have a voice, and I can be heard. If thats my choice. So I've decided to write about this. Everyone first off, has their right to their own opinion. Just want to make sure thats clear before you read any further on this- and don't like what I'm saying. It's fine if you don't. But please understand and respect the right everyone in the world has to their own respectful opinion. I say 'respectful' because if it is a mean and uncalled for remark, to me, it isn't your opinion anymore, it's hate. And thats never okay.

I, like you, found out Monday.... that comedian, Robin Williams had passed away. My sister called me to let me know. I was in shock. I didn't even get to the reason why, or how it had happened yet. ( Because in the end- The main point, is that, someone is gone, and anything else, doesn't matter to a certain extent .) Those thoughts hadn't even crossed my mind at all. All I was thinking about was that someone that meant a whole lot to me was not sharing existence with all of us in this beautiful life any longer. How selfish of me. Why him? Why did he have to leave? He made me so happy. He made me feel so happy. He made me laugh like noone really can. (I don't laugh at just anything). He was a silly man. My favorite kind of comedy. But better yet. He reminded me of a father figure. My favorite movie of him and always will be, is Mrs. Doubtfire. I watched it maybe 3 months ago after not having seen it in years and it hurt my heart. I loved that movie when I was younger. I loved that he was funny. He reminded me of a child. His boyish innocent smile. His light in his eyes. He seemed to see life as a playground and it was fun and nothing was scary to him. (I'm referring to in this movie.) I absolutely loved that movie when I was younger. But like I said, I was watching this movie, at the gym of all places. And I laughed out loud on the freaking elliptical. Then also started crying. Because I saw this movie in a new light. When I was younger my parents weren't divorced, 'everything was fine'. But it turns out. My family was a lot like the way Mrs. Doubtfire was. In the way, my dad was a funny man. He was silly with me. But my mom and dad did have problems, when I wasn't looking and it was something I never knew- until one day they were divorced. Just as in the movie. Regardless, my point is. Movies are always going to be something we all can connect to, yes. That is why we watch them! That is why I am an aspiring actress. Connection. Emotion. Passion for art. I love it all. But he was such an inspiration to everyone. For me, he inspires me to be fearless. To be silly. To go for it. To not care what others think. How does one person mean so much to the entire world? He put him self out there into the world for everyone. He wasn't discriminatory. He treated everyone as equals from what I've heard which is so freaking awesome! He was one of a kind. Truly. 

But at the same time. I'd like to share with you one thing I've noticed which makes me sad that I didn't notice earlier, or maybe, that someone else didn't, that was closer to him. I understand the movies of him I'm familiar with end with Good Will Hunting. To me, the light in his eyes, was still shining. His sweetness, and gentle, kindness, that is so clear to see in his eyes are there. He was such a diverse human being. It hurts that I couldn't help him stay seeing the love and beauty of life and the gift, that I see, and that I hope you see. I think I began realizing this gift at one point in my life. It was a slap in the face. And I mean the hardest slap you could imagine. The one where your just laying on the floor, dumb founded. In disbelief that what just happened, happened. 
It takes me back.. It takes me back to a place where everything is cold and dark. In my memories. I don't like going there in my mind... But sometimes my mind drifts there. It's like those movie montages, where the person is thinking back on someones life, or love, whatever it may be, and their flashes of memories, good and bad... I can see it all. Little snip bits. Good and bad. Laughing, crying... Running away. Being mad. Yelling. Sitting in quiet, just looking at others, etc. The fact is that I rememeber. I have these memories in my head, and I am forever thankful for them. Because no matter how mad I may be that I can't make new ones, I have those there. With me, forever.

I remember the first time I saw my dad cry. He walked into my room... in my old house. I think I was dancing to Britney Spears, or maybe Whitney Houston. Perhaps even singing to a Celine Dion song. I think I was even on the phone with my 'boyfriend' at the time. My dad opened the door. My wooden door... And told me my Grandpa died. I didn't want to believe him. I remember pulling on him and asking him to tell me it wasn't true. He was so mad, He started to cry. He shut the door. He couldn't handle being there with me telling me that news, and showing me him crying. He was still processing it, it had only just happened. I loved my Grandpa. Very very much. I loved him so much. 

It also reminds me of when in 2005, just a week after my birthday, my dad passed away. It's still weird to write those words, after all these years. I still think about how old he'd be in the present day. He'd be 74 right now. Sometimes when I am waiting on people in my restaurant, I see him in older men. And I wonder, what he would've looked like. How he would've been. I guess I am so empathetic towards Robin Williams daughter, Zelda. Her birthday was a couple of weeks ago. And then he passed away. Although I have no idea what it is like to lose someone who has chosen to take their own life, It never ever ever changes the fact that they are no longer here. Losing a parent, is one of the absolute hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. And I'm sure it'll remain that way until I die. Knowing what it feels like to lose a parent is one of those things I'd never ever wish on anyone. Sometimes I think about the fact that I am here. I was made by two people who were in love. And only my mom is here. It makes me sad. Even still 9 1/2 years later... Sometimes I dread January... even though it's my birthday month. It's the month I lost the first love of my life. I remember the way it felt on Sunday mornings, before going to church. When he'd tell me and my sister we looked beautiful. The love... a daughter and their father have... It's unexplainable. And I wish so badly I could have him back. Just to hug him. Just to tell him I love him. If I only had a second, that's all I'd want to say.

So, knowing that... for everyone you have here... Everyone you love, who is around... Can you just take a moment to share the way you feel about them, how they've changed your life, made a difference, etc. 


This doesn't tie together into Robin Williams, as I spoke of earlier. Telling him how you felt about him, maybe wouldn't have changed how he felt about himself. Which is what we always hear about, but maybe don't know the importance. "Self Love". My blog, before "The Daily Kale" was actually called Self love.... I used to have an issue with myself. I strongly didn't like me. But I also had just gotten out of a terrible relationship, which had sort of ruined my self confidence. But I had let it all happen. I was becoming weak and having no voice for myself. I started to let people run me over. I had lost myself. I never really dealt with my dads death. I was always in denial. And I thought I was strong for just handling it and moving far away from where he used to be would deal with the problem.  No... followed me everywhere. However, it also drove me to go where I knew I belonged. This life is a whirlwind of crzy sh*t happening. If you let it. Otherwise, what is life? Just plain ole boring nothing. Who the hell knows what Robin Williams was thinking? NONE of us. None of us none of us. I'll say that a million times. W h o k n o w s. But being disrespectful to the way he passed is no way to be respectful  for the things he did while he was on this earth. Religion, all things aside. 

If you haven't ever seen a movie by Robin Williams, I urge you to do so. I hope that one of them touches you in a way you had no idea possible. I hope the light in his eyes, inspires you to see life the way I feel like he saw it. A harmless open play ground. With all the friendliest kids in the world playing there, you couldn't feel scared or like someone would back stab you. There is too much fun to be had, to worry or think of anything bad. 

For me, it's his transition from Peter--- into Peter Pan that moves the most. It's like seeing him for the first time that little kid actor does, and he sees him. He really sees him. It's a beautiful scene. You should watch it. You should also reach out to any and everyone. Give a smile to the person your passing on the street even if you don't know them. Talk to the grocery store clerk, who seems to be hating his or her job and ask them how they are? Tell them you hope they have a good day. There is a million ways we don't know how we could change someones life. Why not try it?

Your enough. You were made unique and beautiful for a reason. You are you for a reason. <3