Noone knows the strength you endure, unless they too, have been in that position. Knowing someone, loving someone, saying goodbye to that someone. All of these things life gives us, and we have to some how accept it.
I was going through old things in my house earlier. After a cleaning rant I went on. Going through old papers, trying to sort out what to throw away. I found 2 things. A flowery pearl piece that once was on a yellow cardigan. And a note, I printed out from the internet, of a message someone sent me via facebook. A very long time ago. Both pieces in the same bag. Related to the same topic. I suppose now, I have no fear to talk about such personal things, because now I know my journey, could possibly support someone else's, in their hard time.
I moved to California when I was 18. May of 2005 actually. I got into a school in L.a., which would start in August. I was excited yes- but mainly, I wanted to leave my hometown in Georgia, very badly. As quick as possible actually. I used school as an excuse to be excited about going somewhere different. But the majority of it was me just wanting to leave all that was there in my hometown. This feeling of sadness, and loss. And the somewhat emotionless, person I had began to turn into.
I will say- no matter what life throws at you, it's never anything we can't handle. We always have options. It's our choice to follow our destiny. We always know what is right, I believe that to the end. People who are homeless, people who do drugs, hit others, kill people, etc. These people have made that choice. Unless. yes, they are mentally unstable and have no capability of making choices- etc. BUT, the people who are in a bad position- made a choice, prior to that state, that led them there. Thats why making choices, are so important for us. Right now, not tomorrow. That goes for everything. Including food, and alcohol. But as I always go off on tangents, so sorry. Let me get back to what I was saying. I turned into that emotionless being, because I was suffering. Suffering from losing my father, to a ridiculous,vicious, cancer. For the longest time, I ignored the fact, that he was gone. Pretended like it was just vacation, and he'd be back. Since I wasn't living where he used to, it was easier to believe that. Cause I couldn't see if he was home or not anyway.
Losing my dad, was pretty much the hardest part of life that has happened to me yet. But the fact of the matter is, I continued on. I had a terrible, awful, thing happen to me. I was angry, I was sad- I didn't eat- I ate too much. I became frustrated with everyone in my family who already saw this coming, how could I be so blind? It was unexpected after all. I didn't prepare for this. How was everyone else so prepared? Knowing it was a chance. I had every ounce of optimism in my dad, to survive. This invincible man, who used to carry me when I was a baby. Wait for me at the top of the drive way- in the most embarrassing car he could find. Silliest business man there was. How could he go.
He may have left this world, physically, but it's true. His soul is still here. And the memories in my mind of him- will never be taken away from me. And we will meet again- and be together. Strength is what you gain. From letting go. I feel like Mrs. Lancelot somehow. This iron woman of sorts. Knowing I hold this information in my mind. Life would be a huge jerk, to take the people you live to love- away from you forever, and I just don't find that true.
As a whole- this message I wanted to write and share with all of you- is that terrible, things happen to us. I know. As I sit here and look at my dresser, which has that piece off of my yellow cardigan I wore at my dads funeral. I remember how I stood up that day and spoke, of how much I loved him. I had strength. Strong love he gave me, I showed for him. And I as I re-read this note, from a girl telling me how much she admired me, and I was one of her role models, for finishing my senior year in high school, after this happened. I feel proud. Knowing, I made a choice. I made the choice, to not stay in my hometown, even though I was entirely sad and depressed. I left and began to find new beginnings, just like he wanted me to do. And I know he is proud of me for finding out about how to take care of myself, and helping others, take care of themselves.
I love you guys.
Be strong! Smile. Your amazing.