Have you ever looked back at a photo of yourself.... and see someone different. Someone that you now wish you could be? Like what were you doing differently then? What happened. How did I get to here. I thought first of all, you change for the better? I recently look back and realize those things. But then also realize that it is better now. Cause, to get to the ultimate place... we have to pass through all the sh*t... until we become that person who can handle it from there. I have had so many realizations today it's overwhelming.
Basically I had a very confronting conversation with a good friend. Who helped me realized a lot of things even without saying it. Of course she asked me all the right questions to get me to those thoughts. And that I am thankful for. First of all I realized from the questions, #1, I'm in denial. I don't want to believe the fact that I am truly on the wrong route. Not in life, but with my day to day thoughts. I know from research and just my everyday learnings that - You become your thoughts. But it's never actually been something I applied to my own self. Now I realize, all the negative thoughts- have become even more true about myself.
She asked me to name 5 things I love about my body. Hm. Why was this so hard? Then she asked me what would I like to love about my body. And answer in the sense as though I do love them right now- even though truly, I was not happy with those areas. Look, I'm a girl, I know we all have our things we don't like. I've heard skinny people say they don't like their arms. And here I am just wanting that persons skinny arms. We all have our insecurities. Thats fine. But I have let all of these things define who I am. Which right now if I were an animal I'd be most like a hermit crab. Is that who I thought I'd be? Hell no. But if I had to be true that whats I'm acting like. And that in itself is enough to say- something has to change.
So, 5 things you love about your body? Go ahead say them. or write them down. If their only things you would like to love- then say that. But say that you do love them. Close your eyes and breathe. Smile. Mine were, My lips. My eyes. My arms. My legs. My hair.
It's very hard to say that I love my arms. Because I have had a problem with them for a very long time. The other thing I could say to that- is besides saying I despise them, what have I done to change them? Yeah right there, So shut it me! Until you start putting things into action. NOTHING will happen. Nothing. Whats that saying, Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results, defines insanity. Yep, sorry guys, But I've been insane. Haha.
Well on a happier note. The realization in conclusion is this. Hermit crab- Bird. Yeah. A bird. An animal not afraid to fly. Transformation isn't easy. But you have to be first willing and open to accept it. I've got ALOT of evolving to do. So many things. Not even gonna lie. But you have to have dreams, aspirations. Where do you want to be this time next year? The way I have been living my life I will be in the exact same place! And I do not want that. So what has to be done? What has to be done is change. I have to make changes. I have to realize that my family history of health problems, makes my destiny of health lined up to be not a good one. So I have to make everyday count. I have to make sure I take care of myself in those ways and more. Because I love myself and I truly want to be content and happy with my success in life. But right now.
Right now I'm realizing that the importance of being available for my friends and family in a loving way, is priority. And I've let my own selfish problems get in the way of all of that. I don't want to become a bitter mean old lady. But I am on that route. I have become impatient. And angry with myself. I know ya'll know I live a bit of a different life being an aspiring actress, yes I know this. Yes I want this. And this is the way it has to be in order for me to achieve my dreams. But there can be a different path for me a long the way if I allow it to be so. We don't always have to take the struggle, rocky road... Just cause we think it's a hard life. You make that up for yourself. I've made up that this is a difficult life to lead and my confidence gets torn and I get beat up from all the rejection and I've taken every single no personally. This is not the way I should have gone about it in the past. But it's ok, because I know now. I have been a shy person since I moved here. The funny thing is I wasn't so shy when I was younger. But realizing when I came to this town I wasn't the only one with my dream. I got quiet. Which is weird, cause why wouldn't I want to be loud and getting attention? Well. Places change you. I was culture shocked moving here from a small town in Ga. I went through some weird sh*t. I had a lot of struggles. But I let them happen. and now I'm letting them go. If I want to cry at something being so beautiful I can. I am sick of holding back from speaking up. I am sick of not standing up for myself. I'm done with holding back from letting my voice being heard, in auditions and in life. This is it guys, we have just this life. WHAT are you going to do with this gift that we are so lucky to be having the experience of?
Ah this whole time my foot has been asleep. Must go.