You know, it's kinda interesting. I go through weird phases each day/week/month. Where I can't figure out, creatively, what I need/want to do. I even sat down yesterday in front of all my paint and an empty canvas & just couldn't do it. You just can't force things. Timing is everything. And listening to your life is important.
I am currently reading 'Spirit Junkie' by Gabrielle Bernstein & loving it. I wish I could say more about it- but I'm only in the first part of it. I can already tell this book was the perfect choice for me, with where I am in my life right now. I know we all go through different phases of being lost & confused. And I've been there for quite a bit of time it feels like. As most of you know, my main career focus is acting. I also paint & sing and sometimes model for fun. My focus currently is with commercials. My agent sends me out for commercial auditions a lot. I fight with my mind a lot, because I usually have not the best script and have to be enjoying some sort of ridiculous fast food in the scene. Or going crazy over some sort of materialistic item. If you know me personally, you know this is not my personality. If I were making fun of the commercial, sure- I'd be great. What really bothers me, is knowing if I just bit the bullet, and did the lines well, and booked the commercial, then bam! I'd have tons of money & most of my current money worries would be over. But the biggest problem is the whole giving in to it. I know I hold myself back sometimes, cause my mind is telling me to not do this to my full potential, because I don't want to be representing this brand, etc. And then I go to acting class every week, and have amazing scenes from movies, and that is surely what I want to be doing. Dialogue in the movies that motivates people to get up & do something, or see something in a new light. That is my calling.
Yesterday I watched the movie, 'You're Not You'. Look, I highly recommend it, but it comes with a warning. If you don't want to cry like a baby, then don't watch. But oh my goodness. That was a great movie. It put so many different things in prospective for me. Including the fact that I have such a hard time with these commercial auditions that are silly to me. I know Hillary Swank & Emmy Rossum both had to go through that to be where they are in this movie- but thats not it. The movie is so touching. This lady had everything you think you want, and then her ability to do things on her own was suddenly gone. Just picking up your own toothbrush. Just going to use the bathroom. Things we all take for granted. People with this disease cannot do. And to see someone as helpful as Emmy's character, helping this person, was so awesome. Sometimes I write and I don't even know why- I just feel the urge to share my experience of watching this yesterday & also my current so called life issues. And how little those issues become when you see your life in a new light.
Yesterday was my Day 4 of the detox I had created for myself. I was okay up until yesterday for some reason. My mind won the battle. Usually I'd be like, oh well, thats a wrap then. And go crazy and go back to eating everything I said I wouldn't for 30 days. But today is just a new day. Today- again is Day 4. The thing I need to learn is that the path is not some easy smooth road with no hiccups. There are gonna be stops. Things I don't want to have to do- to get to where I want. But you get stronger from overcoming them. Life is very short. Love while we can, hug while we can, embrace. It can all be taken away from us in a second, and the worst part is we don't even know when. So the time is NOW. Be fearless. Go out there & do what you know your meant to do.